I Blame Myself For Everything

Sat, 04 Oct 2003 03:03:48 GMT

+ matt iwant to talk to you

End

Sat, 04 Oct 2003 02:40:37 GMT

Okay. this is the death of callmesuper.

this is the beginning of a new friends only journal

fruitii

add me if youd like. if not, thats cool too.

Back it up, back it up!

Thu, 02 Oct 2003 01:06:10 GMT

Okay, so I got introuble for cutting school. My mom freaked out, then got over it 10 minutes later. Still...I'm grounded for a month...They have my phone, my cell phone...took away my cable (which i had my brother plug back in thankyouverymuch), and I CANT GO OUT. Until october 30th...rar.

Yeah, dont cut school. It definitely isn't worth it. Blah blah blah.

I'm not liking field hockey right now. It seems no matter how hard i try at practice, bushman doesnt notice and it's really starting to frustrate me. Plus..I have shin splints which makes everything harder. and Blah blah blah im not going to complain.

I need a pick me up.

Tue, 30 Sep 2003 02:05:47 GMT

We won. yay for that.

I really need to go on a diet.

and I just dont know anymore.

Ohhh dear. Help me edit!

Sun, 28 Sep 2003 23:00:41 GMT

Alright, I did this piece of shit paper in about 20 minutes, and its horrible. But I can't think at all right now. So read it please, and if you find something wrong or if you can think of something better to say, then comment. Mind you it has to be under two pages so dont comment and write me a book. thanks dweebs.

A child’s world is made up of toys, candy, friends, and family. This “world” makes up everything in the child’s entire life; the world becomes a safe haven for every child’s hopes and dreams. However, this false sense of security cannot last forever. It is but a mere illusion that the perfect world exists, when in actuality, the world is far too immense for anyone to ever fully experience. When I was ten, I was forced to give up my naivety to learn there was life outside what I wanted to label as my world.

From the minute I was born, I was part of a community called Wayne. Everything I knew existed inside of this township; my very foundation was based on events that occurred here and people I met along my merry way. I had the white house with the white fence and the white dog to sit at my door. It could not have been anymore of a typical, suburban, picture perfect kind of life. Days did not extend cookies and brownie meetings. Everything was safe, and I fully intended to continue every waking moment of my life the same way I had the day before. By the time I was six, my night light had gone to rest, the doors closed and stayed closed during the night, and neither a closet monster nor a nightmare ever dared disturb me. I felt comfortable with every aspect of my life; by the time I reached ten, I had a set group of best friends to share everything with. I loved going to school and being an average student. I loved pretending I thought Wayne was boring. I loved thinking my life would always stay that way.

The news came- I was moving away. So far away, even a time zone separated me from my world. Who would want to live in Texas? My parents tried to sell me the idea that we would move into the “picture perfect house”. The brick house with the brown gate and no dog whatsoever to accompany the door at all. I would not have any of this, I simply would not. However, I was merely ten and my parents were ten times that age and their decisions always seemed to overrule mine. I drove away from my old school for the last time, waving good-bye to my old friends; my old life became a mess of tears pushing their way out of my naive eyes. After we arrived in Texas, I was a completely different person in a completely different world, but I still held onto my memories of New Jersey. Cows chewed on grass on the highway, people came and mowed the lawn for us, my mom did not know how to pump her own gas…it was horrible. At school, I kept to my studies, and I shut this new world out. They did not even have girl scouts at my school, everything was upside down. Life became a poorly scripted version of The Twilight Zone. It felt like the ground had been ripped beneath my feet, and some cruel person was getting a good laugh or making a quick dollar at the expense of my demise.

It took time, but I realized the world was bigger than a town. I was forced to give up trivial memories that had only worsened the process of adjusting. I started to make friends and become ten years old again- but not the same kind of ten I was in Wayne. I lost my naivety to something that can only be described as the process of growing up.

At ten years old, I learned that there was more to the world than one town. I had to experience new things and go through a lot of discomfort to become the person I am today. You can’t hold the whole world in your hands.

Sun, 28 Sep 2003 20:45:34 GMT

I'm afriad of things I can't change.

Sat, 27 Sep 2003 02:38:33 GMT

my friends are the best people in the world.

thanks... :)

Fri, 26 Sep 2003 22:53:46 GMT

why.

Fri, 26 Sep 2003 01:33:10 GMT

I did my homework!!! AHHHH!! + Theres no practice tommorrow...YAAY. I'm all excited for laura and such which is kind of weird. But yeah, still really excited.

This is my happy entry by the way..

Oh yeah. I'm not in trouble at all. Thank you G-man.

This is so great. I cant wait for tommorrow...

Mm yeah. And I made it a habbit to write down weird things my teachers say so...

"I'm a pounder. I'm a heavy drinker"

rock on.

Yeah and comment on my lj god damnit.

Okay.

Wed, 24 Sep 2003 17:38:08 GMT

I'm home today, and tommorrow I'll be screwed and probably not be able to see anyone else for the rest of my life. But thats besides the point.

I really need to change. I really need to be more mature. School is always going to be there, and horrible people are always going to be around and I'm stupid and I thought I could just aviod it all. I can't. Doesn't that suck. I miss how I was. I miss being good. I miss when I did something wrong...it was something little and insignificant but I made it such a big deal. I miss that. I miss my self-respect. I miss telling my mom the truth. I feel so dirty and disgusting and I hate it. I miss being a freshman and seeing everyone I knew all the time...and getting to talk to people in my classes. Making friends. Making friends that were a good influence on me. Doing my homework. Or actually knowing what was going on in class. I dont have the energy to talk to my friends. I dont have the motivation to do anything. And if it's like this now. Whats it going to be like 2 years from now?

I'm going to change. And you're going to fucking like it.

See you around.

theres no more trying tonight.

Wed, 24 Sep 2003 02:33:55 GMT

Today was dysfunctional to say the least. Everyday is i guess.

you're lifes really busy. or really boring. depending on how you look at it. my life--no matter how i look at it...its busy. no matter how hard i try to get away from it.

well, i think tommorrow ill write a long entry considering i dont plan on going to school. and i have germy kids in my school to thank for that.

my mom made me a scarf. its so cute. i love her.

Tue, 23 Sep 2003 01:32:58 GMT

I caught the plauge 2nd period.

I got a green card for body checking some anorexic bitch. we lost anyway.

Mon, 22 Sep 2003 01:26:38 GMT

Okay. So I'm totally in love with Queen. and the Get up Kids. and my mom. cause she found my left sneaker. rockrock.

I've been all around wayne/new jersey this weekend. it was crazy. it's gonna be like this every day forever. and my neighbors are going to think im skeevy cause i go down the road and get into strange cars every now and then. its allright.

i love you like crazy.

Sun, 21 Sep 2003 03:27:49 GMT

right now im a locked door. dont invite yourself into my life. maybe when i catch up with sleep things will change.

anyways. we won our game. again. uhm. no matter how terri we do we're just not going to loose so thats that. i pummeled some girl. i was dehydrated and tired. whatever.

then me and m drove around almost everywhere. i got a balloon + met his friend. she was really nice + really good at art. she reminded me of erica. hiiiiii erica. miss. hiiii-e cortney. miss. im seeing you tommorrow or so i hear? that's all. i really cant wait to sleep more than 6 hours tonight. mmmmmmmmmmkay night.

Sat, 20 Sep 2003 18:34:41 GMT

AHH! Last night was AMAZING!!! I didn't think I could actually pull it off, and I felt so bad too...I love Jude and I hate lying to her, although I was safe and didn't once break the law or take any substances or anything of that sort, so it's all good.

Matthew drove all the way down to Asbury with out getting in an accident or being a creepy driver. And we talked so so so much about everything and listened to ghetto music and then we got there!!!! AHHHH!!! There was a bunch of people he knew there..uhm. And I saw so many people there too..it was crazy. And I even went into the boys bathroom to tinkle cause the girls had the longest line..and it was the SCARIEST THING EVER.

We went up pretty close to the stage...Moneen was really good and they were so cute too and thanking everyone and saying how nervous they were. AHH then TBS came on and they were awesome and I wasnt scared of people killing me anymore...everyone was jumping around and singing and it was great. and Matthew picked me up a bunch of times so I could see everything...love. When saves the day came on we were really tired and sweaty and gross so we sat for a bit..and wound up leaving after the first song cause it was really late annnd neither of us really like them. We went on the beach for a bit then left and drove some more and talked the whole way back and got lost and were fat and ate wendys. I got to kritsys after 1 and i felt bad cause her parents have no idea who i am or what i look like..but i slept at their house last night.

So. Last night was the greatest ever. I love M and I cant believe we've been going out for 6 months and I still love him like crazy.

Thu, 18 Sep 2003 23:51:46 GMT

Matthew got his liscence today!!! AHH!! and we DROVE!!! i cant wait for tommorrow

i dont really have anything to say ever, i dont even talk to like half my friends anymore. maybe after the weekend i wont be so tired. um. my dad sucks.

tommorrow = hurricane? old tappan game? 6 month anniversary! +TBS concert!!

by the way

Thu, 18 Sep 2003 01:45:13 GMT

yeah. we won. again. 12-0. we practically raped hackensack.

todays m's and veek's b-day and well thats just super cause they both rock.

im so tired. i havent been doing anything in school really. i havent even done my hair in a while. i CANT WAIT for the weekend...TBS+ Saves the day + Boyfriend and car= super weekend for sure.

Thu, 18 Sep 2003 00:53:00 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTHEW ADAM AND VEEK!!!!

love!!!

just doing my job.

Wed, 17 Sep 2003 01:14:18 GMT

Sun, 14 Sep 2003 16:13:40 GMT

I just opened my door and saw my dad in a towel.

i want to die. right now.

im never leaving my room again. ever.

Terrif Day

Sat, 13 Sep 2003 00:42:39 GMT

Terrif means terrific by the way.

I found my pink headband in my moms bathroom before school this morning. wooo. And then i get to school and i had lost my alg book so i didnt have to do the homework, mr. puglise is crazy and gave us a half hour of free time....anyway, then..I went to english and got my in-class paper back on the summer reading book i never read...AND I GOT AN A-. I almost cried. Last year i couldve spent 5 days on a paper on a book I READ and gotten a c. I love mrs. leogrande...and I love not being the stupid honors kid. So hell yeah to that. THEN..my alg 2 book was where i left it yesterday...so no paying lots of money for it. And.

We won our first game 3-2. !!! eeeee so happy. i hate practice so much and i hate that i have to go at 8 am tommorrow on a saturday..but i love playing fieldhockey. And i love being in for the entire game. and i love midfield and i loooove everyone on my team so so very much.

And. Matthew wrote a POEM. and i think its super. although..he said it was about me and him and i read the first line and wanted him to DIE but then i read the rest and. its super. sorry for posting this m....

The thirsty drunk soaks up the beer
And shouts, "Another bud light here!"
His liver chunrs unhappily
His drunken heart is filled with glee
Stumbling round the bar room floor
He slowly reaches for the door
The drunk falls slowly to his knees
And shouts as loud as he can, "Please"
But no one answered him at all
They much enjoyed to watch him fall
Disheartened, he walks down the street
Struggling to stay on his feet
He drowned his sorrows with some drinks
"This really sucks", he surely thinks
Just then, a flutter filled his heart
His life would have a brand new start
She took his hand, and off they were
To them, the world was just a blur
No need for help, no need for cover
The drunk had found his drunken lover.

lovelovelovelovelove

And. My mom wrote me a note regarding my room and i thought it was hilarious.

Jess
No way are you living like this-
1.) No going out tonite unless you sort thru the clothes all over your room + put the dirty onto the ~~hamper~~ laundry basket + the clean away. Use the small bag for garbage. If the clean wont fir in the drawer put it on my couch (folded neatly) until
2.) Sat.- No going out uintil you empty your drawers of clothes you dont wear. the mess keeps happening because
1. not easy to put clean clothes in drawers if they dont fit.
2. you have to make a habbit of brining down dirty dishes before you go to sleep.
3. throw away all candy wrappers + uneaten chips + whatnot so they dont MELT or ROT on your floor + desk.
Im not going to give in on this so dont even ask. You are certainly capable of taking care of your room and if I dont make you do this youll have BUGS and MOLD before long.

This is not how i want you to live. i want you to have a nice room and clean clothes that youre happy to wear and look so nice in

Also, youre 15 years old + need to be responsible to yourself as far as this is concerned

I love you,
Mom

bottom line. dont ever live with me, im messy. matthew is super, today is super.

Fri, 12 Sep 2003 00:19:52 GMT

I'm always always ALWAYS tired. I couldn't focus at all today. I lost my algebra 2 book and I think i lost my PINK HEAD BAND. I wish I could punch someone in the face right now, to make up for being pissed at myself. I can't stay awake. Schools a bore. I'm not even trying, it's like I never even left freshman year. And although I dont really do much work..cause I'll admit I dont, I hate it when people think I'm lazy cause I dont come home and do my homework. You dont understand someone until you're living their life. Okay, you go spend the day with people you dont like then play midfield for crazy field hockey and bust your ass every single day...and then tell me what you're gonna do when you come home...after 6pm...then after your shower to rinse off all the sweat...then after dinner. Everyones different and the person I am makes me not interested one bit in school and math problems and spanish language and memorizing stupid things that I'll never be interested in. If i actually learned during the day I wouldnt mind. I dont mind thinking about something. I dont want to use formulas and memorize and jot down answers on paper and then get half-credit cause teachers suck at life and take it out on other people. I'd rather spend my time in the morning looking nice than doing spanish homework. And I'm not afriad to tell people that. And I'm defending myself against people calling me lazy, cause I'm not. I'll prolly wind up better off than half of you anway, so thanks.

1 week - 1 day till m-hew is 17 and we never go to school again.
1 week + 1 day till tbs concert and finally enjoying my time.

Thu, 11 Sep 2003 01:57:18 GMT

support the field hockey cause

buy a lolli from me.

"lab" tommorrow? i dont know. im afriad.

Wed, 10 Sep 2003 02:02:42 GMT

Today was an exceptioanlly good day. Matthew stayed after school and hung out with me until the game..thennn we WON our scrimmage against Riverdell (who we've never beaten before) 3-0. whatwhat. Hopefully we'll do as good in our games...

Annnd. Best part. Kristy, Laura, Alexa, and Amanda are all (hopefully) going to see TBS as is Rachel n. and we're all gonna go together and then crashhhh at Kristys and go to the game the next morning. AHH im SOOO EXCITEEEDDD!! TEN DAYS!

Anywhore, I want the weather to get cold. No need for this heat nonsense.

+

Tue, 09 Sep 2003 02:32:16 GMT

+ the best part of the day = matt came over.

love.

tommorrow = scrimmage against riverdel. you WILL go. cause i <3 you